What the fuck have you done latley?

WELL...
I'm finally here! I don't have any wireless availabe at St. Peters College, so I must make do with the four computers that they have in the Common Room. Right now the majority of the campus is watching History Boys, leaving me alone in the computer room, free to type as long as I want. My major, War in World History, seems pretty fabulous so far. The class is pretty quiet, and there haven't been much heated debate as of yet, but I'm sure this will change sometime soon.
I'll let you know of any other major improvements when I find some kind of internet cafe.

Waiting

Hey guys--

Right now, I'm just waiting.

I wish I could just skip the next day or two. It would instantly make my life 10x better.

My mom found all my alcohol. Or, at least I think she did. Some friends and I drank a bit on Thursday, and I didn't exactly put everything back to where it was supposed to go. The bottles were under my desk, and while my mom was helping me pack this morning, I'm pretty sure she caught a glimpse of them. Whenever my parents find out about something I do, they both migrate out onto the deck and begin yelling at each other. Of course, this happened shortly after my mom left my room. I'm not sure exactly where my parents were, but I was able to throw everything away, and now, all my empty bottles are hidden safely in a huge trash bag along with a bunch of other shit from around my room.

And I was just thinking how totally hilarious it would be if my parents read my blog.

HAHA

But yeah, hopefully all goes well and we can just put all of this behind us. Yeah... right. I mean, hopefully they never saw anything, and I'm just paranoid.

Last night was pretty shitty. I found out that I couldn't see Sebastian today-- we both had a lot of shit to do, I guess. So, after seeing Aaron for the last time, I went to see Sebastian in market square. I don't want to go into too much detail about the night, but to put it bluntly, I was completely ignored by him when he had the good knowledge to know that I was very upset and not to mention the fact that this would be the last time we would see each other. I'm probably overreacting, like I usually do. I just don't get him sometimes.

Well, I think it's time for me to leave here shortly. I'll be writing here more. Maybe daily? 

Thats funny considering the only person who reads this is Zara.

LOLZ HEY YOUUUUZ

I SEE YOU SOON? ;]

tight! 

You will all be hearing from me again! Wish me luck!

My Approaching Departure

Well- howdy folks.

It's been... about forever and a day since you've read about my totally compelling and interesting life. 

I'm leaving for Oxford, England this Saturday night at 9:31 PM. It's going to be a long red eye flight across the pond. And hopefully I'll be able to navigate my way through Heathrow alive. It's going to be the first time I'll ever do all that airport shit by myself. DANG. I'm going to get lost.

I keep on fantasizing about running away while I'm over there. I know it would probably be impossible and definitely not worth the consequences (but what is?) I still think it would be an amazing thing to do. I can just imagine running around Europe experiencing crazy adventures. But I suppose I have all my life to disappear like that.

I'm going to Oxford to study Military History and Law. Those seem to be some random subjects I've pulled out of my ass. I'm usually a Creative Writing, Drama, English person but I guess my tastes have changed. Either that or the little devil inside of my brain knows that those are manly classes, which hopefully will be filled with a bunch of manly men. Oh, my subconscious... always getting me into trouble.

I'll be staying in England for four weeks. I visited there, in Oxford, for three weeks two summers ago to do a less intense version of the program that I will be attending shortly. Oxford, I must admit, is the most amazing place in the world! It has your perfect mixture of big city experience, as well as the small town feel. I guess it reminds me of home a little bit... of course with a little more excitement, less supervision and a better accent.

I'm excited to be leaving. Last time I went, my peers there weren't too great. Maybe that's just 13 year old Jackie's opinion. I've changed a lot since then. Two summers ago, I was definitely not as good looking, as well experienced with the "ways of the world" and I was most certainly the most socially retarded person in the entire program. Things, hopefully, will be better on the social aspect.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to last six weeks without a cigarette... fuck.

It will be good for me. I'm determined to make the best of this.

ITS BEEN SO LONG

way to completely ignore your blog...

anyways, i do have a perfectly good excuse. 

so much stuff to do! I've been working non stop on this play. I don't know if i mentioned the fact that I'm now Lady Macduff AND Banquo. I'm basically on stage every other scene until the last act. I die twice, too. I hope people don't go to see the show and think that Lady Macduff is Banquo in drag... /:

Aaron and Ben went out after practice a few days ago to hand out advertising posters to all the Fredericksburg places of business. You know... all that good stuff. After they got into a minor car accident they ran into Castiglias and asked them to put up a poster. Behind them, a lady asked for one of the posters. She introduced herself as the professor of Shakespeare at Germana. Which is exciting, because she is making all her students go :] we are going to have a very large audience on Friday.

FRIDAY. fuck it dude. I'm so stressed. I haven't done homework in about a month. School is basically dead to me. I'm skipping tomorrow to go to Kings Dominion. :D YES

Stephen Elefante is coming down this weekend too. We will see how that goes.

And... the CAST PARTY. Saturday night after the show we're all getting fucked up in Ben's basement. It's gonna be good. We have beer pong teams already assembled. Then it's exams... then summer! I'm so excited. 

Well, in good hopes of many good days to come, I bid thee farewell.

hopefully I'll write again sooner.

What doesn't kill you makes you....

It's been a year. A year... filled with just about everything you could possibly imagine. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. When I look back, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if things turned out differently then they did. If maybe I hadn't gone away for the summer. If maybe I hadn't begun dating. If maybe, if maybe. If maybe I wasn't here today. I wouldn't know the things i know, and i wouldn't have felt the things i've felt. I don't know if thats a good thing. But it's something. I feel like i've done my time already. There is nothing more that could go right, and there is nothing more that could go wrong. It feels like the end of an era.

It's strange to think that one day, years from now, the past will just seem like a bad dream. Eventually, life sets you free. And now I'm just waiting, i guess. 

How can someone I've known for so long turn on me like that?

I would like to see her go through all that shit, and come out on top, just like she was before.

I would like to see her try to even grasp those problems in the first place.

She does not even have an inkling of what has happened to me, and yet my best friend still judges and laughs. Nobody tries to understand anymore.

It's just a lost cause.

I don't care enough to go after this. 

It's not my problem anymore.

Don't Kill Your Babies...?

It bugs me when pro-lifers use the argument: "that baby could grow up and find the cure for cancer!" 

Yeah well, that baby could be John Wayne Gacy Jr.

Ego Inflation

It's one of those days where you have helium inside your heart, glitter in your veins and a smile that nobody could ever wipe off. I'm awake, I'm alive. Yeah, sure, I'm dragging myself through this last semester with late nights and countless espressos. Yeah, sure, I have shit going around. Yeah, sure, I'm broke. Yeah. Sure. 

There just have to be some things that nobody can steal from you. Confidence. I get turned down more than I get taken out. I get hurt faster than I have time to heal. I act before I have time to think. I regret everything. And everything regrets me.

But somehow I'm able to face myself every morning in the mirror and smile and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I still love myself. 

Her Dream

I can't relate to them anymore.

She said she had a dream that I moved to Chicago.

That i was a member of some church.

That we were standing on a cold sidewalk in a dusty city.

That she asked me "is this it?"

And then, I guess I walked off.

She felt sad. I can't tell you how i felt.

It wasn't my dream.

But you can see how it really applies. 

I'm so different from them, and It's too late to change that. 

Words of Wisdom From Macbeth (coming to a JM near you May 30th)

And must they all be hanged that swear and lie?

Every one.

Who must hang them?

Why, the honest men.

Then the liars and swearers are fools, for there are liars and swearers enough to beat the honest men and hang them up.